In the last few days I have been going through some major doubts about my search and the purpose of it. What am I looking for and why, where and how etc.
I am not quite sure anymore where it started from but one thing led to another and now I don’t seem to have any solid goals. Something seems good in the moment I come up with it but then 10 minutes later it seems like pretension or something I am not really even interested in.
It is interesting to see the analytic mind trying to figure this out. It’s logic and rationality seem to always convince me about my goals and means by coming up with something that appeals to common sense and which is able to hide my doubts and intution. Of course when I come back to whatever I came up with and the ensuring feeling of certainty is gone I can’t help but wonder and ask, what should I do? what do I really want? How much am I really bullshitting myself?
It is getting harder to believe in convictions of this kind and becoming more usual to keep on wondering. I feel like I am floating in thin air and don’t have anything to hold on to. I cannot say I know that I am making progress or not, I do not really even know if I really even need something to be happy or if there even is something to find. All the while I want something but cannot even be sure if I truly even need something or if there even is something worthy to find. After pondering on this for a while I realized that there is a difference between a need and a want, I certainly want something. I don’t know for sure what, again all I know that I feel it and that words seem insufficient to grasp it. They always leave me dissatisfied and longing by falling short in their lack of convincing definition and meaning.
Does it really matter if I did not know? Is it enough if I just feel?
Is the fact that I cannot convincingly define what I am looking for, a sign? A sign of the fact that maybe in the end it cannot even be defined? Is it more accurate and true to leave that part of the question open?
The motion I have put myself in by doing all this “seeker-stuff” seems to have a good momentum but without a direction. I am not able to stop and I do not even want to. But what is the point then? After all, without a definite goal it does not seem that there is much value in seeking.